Monday, February 13, 2012

You're Going To Hell

Coming to terms with the nice people in Hell.

I just thought I’d let you know,
because it really looks like you don’t know,
you’re going to Hell.
Now I’m not talking to the drug dealers,
the pimps, the whores, the murderers.
I’m not talking to the gays, the lesbians,
or the dude cheating on his wife with his coworker.
I’m not even talking to the wealthy Wall Street tycoons
who get rich through shady deals and insider trading.
No, you all already heard that you’re going Hell
and you either don’t believe it,
don’t care,
feel like you don’t have a choice
Or think you’re already there.
No, I’m not talking to them,
I'm talking to you.
You church-going, upstanding citizen,
you tithe paying, board member,
sunday-school teacher who lets
missionaries on furlough stay at your house,
you’re going to Hell.
But you think you won’t because you’re a nice person.
But you don’t stay out of Hell by being a nice person.
Hell is chock full of nice people.
The Devil himself is an absolute angel
and he’s going to Hell,
and so are you.
Jesus is the one who can keep you out of Hell,
and he’s not one bit impressed by nice people.
I remember one time when Jesus went off on a bunch of nice people.
I remember he called them, white-washed tombs, and vipers and fools
and asked them “How will you escape being condemned to hell?”
He insulted them and berated them up one side and down the other.
And do you know what they did?

Well, they did what you’d do.
They were nice people, like you.
They took one look at Jesus:
Jesus was standing up all straight and tall,
his arms al buff with muscles from 30 years of carpentry
during which time he never used a wimpy power tool;
his muscles were the power for his tools.
Sawdust that never seemed to come clear out of his bushy beard,
not the nice, well-kempt, well-oiled beards of the nice people:
no, a great, full, amazing beard of a guy who is not impressed by nice appearances.
And carrying a great big hammer in his hand,
a hammer that he uses to knock boards in place
that they could tell he’d like to use to knock the nice people in place
by looking in his eyes.
And those eyes were not like nice-people’s eyes.
Those eyes look like a creator of black holes and grizzly bears and hurricanes.
And if that weren’t enough, he’s got twelve guys with him who are equally tough.
Some of them would pull hundred pound nets up out of the water all night long,
And they were armed, mostly with the tools of their trades,
but one guy at least had a sword, maybe more did,
the nice people didn’t know.
And these guys were nuts.
They were ready to take a beating, or even die for this guy,
so, for sure they were ready to deliver one.

Then behind the twelve guys were a bunch more.
Criminals, drunks, brawlers, murderers, gangsters, you know,
the type of people Jesus likes to hang out with.
Those people really didn’t care one bit about Jesus,
but if there were a throw down,
they’d have been all over that.
The nice people would have made nice greasy spots in the dirt road.

So, yeah, the nice people went and did what nice people do.
They did exactly what you’d do.
They called the cops.
They got the government involved, got Jesus prosecuted,
all nice and civil.
They alerted the media,
got all the other nice people in the town behind them,
the rotary club,
the Masonic lodge,
even the PTA,
and made sure that when the sentence was handed down,
all nice and legal,
that it was the maximum.
Because you just can’t go treating nice people that way.

So now, you think that being a nice person is going to impress him?
If he wasn’t impressed by nice people then, he sure isn’t impressed by them now!
He’s the type of guy who will back you in a fight if you need him
and he’ll give you the shirt off his back
and ask if there’s anything else you need
and when you’re in trouble, he’s the only one to call.
But he isn’t impressed with nice people,
and he won’t do jack for you because you are a nice person.
That just doesn’t hold up for him.
So, yeah, you’re going to Hell.

Is there a way out?
Of course there is.
It’s the same way out for you
as it is for the drug dealers,
the pimps, the whores, the murderers.
The same as for the gays, the lesbians,
or the dude cheating on his wife with his coworker.
It’s the same way out for the wealthy Wall Street tycoons
who get rich through shady deals and insider trading.
You’ve probably heard what it is,
but you might have to give up being a nice person
if you really want to accept it.

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