Outrunning Regret

I’m sitting in the dashboard light

My forehead on the wheel.

The windshield drops refract the night;

Reflect the way I feel.

Why do these ancient memories

Attack at random times

When things long gone my spirit sees:

Remains of buried crimes?

I see her back in my old room

Wearing my old blue shirt

My younger arms your chest entomb—

Old dreams like wounds can hurt.

Maybe I had your love or not.

The way your body curved!

What we had then and what I got

Was more than I deserved.

I wish I were a perfect guy;

Wish now as I did then.

But at my best I can’t deny

The demon that I’ve been.

I turn the music up too loud

And windshield wipers on

I hit “drive” hoping to get out

Of where my mind has gone.

I remember him, all passed out

From a three week bender;

Old beer cans lying all around

Something spilling from the blender.

I knew that I should help you think

Through troubling thoughts you had.

Instead I only helped you drink

Saying it’s not that bad.

I wish I were a better friend

Who’d help a brother through;

Someone on whom one could depend;

Not that one that he knew.

I push the pedal to the floor

And I make the tires squeal.

I hear the pressured engine roar

To outrun what I feel.

I see her trying to get free

Of things that held you back

And needing me to help you see

When you would get off track

Instead I would return your dreams

Of Egypt’s slave-grown grains

Encouraging discouraged schemes

Of going back to chains

I wish I were a better guide

To help you on your way

I wish that I had really tried

To think of what to say

I see the white lines blowing by

On wet and shiny streets

To many marks to leave behind

Where road and rubber meets

And speeds at which I can’t control

And water makes me slide

And brake lights warning me to slow

And off the road I glide

I’m sitting in the dashboard light

My forehead on the wheel

My drops of blood reflect the night

But I no longer fee